random digressions...

conscience...

2010-03-08T12:40:00.006+05:30

The human mind is wierd. The kind of double standards that we follow are so amazing at times that if someone were to just call a spade a spade, all of us would just burn in hell. I've always maintained that the most important factor for me is that I "do the right thing", which in turn will let me sleep in peace. Fair enough! but who decides the right thing?

The fact of the matter is that WE do. And when our line is crossed, that very line is erased and redrawn at a point which is suitable pertaining to that particular situation. Many situations might not require us to erase any lines. But once in a while, a situation compels you to think and redrawing the line becomes the "right thing to do". A very simplified example would be if I asked you if you would bribe the traffic cop if he caught you jumping a signal? Maybe not. But what if you were headed for an interview for your so called dream job? hold on... this might still be a very materialistic point of view, but what if you had to get to the hospital to save your dying mother? ...

The ethical scenarios are by far the most tricky ones. And certain situations lead us to repercussions which are probably irreversible. Life goes on, and I realize that one just CANNOT be stuck up with any "ideal" or "values". The second anyone gets stuck up with an "ideal", nature loves to throw a situation where one is forced to rethink, probably not redraw the line permanently, but at least for that particular situation. And this is true of every aspect of life, it just seems to always work in a way to stump us forcing one to rethink all the time.

I am forced to think that this IS the only way of life, and there is no ideal "ideal". Ideals are part of a culture that we imbibe into us while we grow up in society. Culture deteriorates with the passage of time and ideals once considered ideal are rubbished by future generations. Culture thus goes through a gradual transformation. My search for perfection is never ending, that probably is the charm of it all, the continuity of it all ... Utopia still eludes me ... :) ...

the perfect stranger...

2009-10-12T17:34:00.005+05:30

i was bored... going through pages of some random book that I thought might be interesting... a book could never get as interesting as people... and just when that thought crossed, our eyes met... i had felt her eyes on me ... she hurriedly looked away... and from the corner of her eye checked if i was still ogling at her... now it was my turn to look away... i hid myself behind my book...
she was just a couple of aisles across at the movies section... even if i did move towards the movie section.. wtf was i gonna tell her... that she was cute?? i was pretty sure a million guys had tried a lame ass dialogue like that... was i smelling okay? no bad breath? hmm... cool... lets take it one a time... let me head over to the movies section... hey wait a minute... where did she go??!
i scanned the store... she was gone... too much time wasted on silly thoughts... there are times when a man should blindly follow his instincts... i still had the book in my hand... dejected ... looked up in a bit ... there she was again!! :) ... there was a glimpse of a naughty smile on her face i thought... or maybe i was just imagining things... this time she walked towards me... shit!! what was she going to say... she passed through me like i was almost invisible... i caught a whiff of her perfume... lost ... i opened my eyes again... too late! her mother had come looking for her... they were almost outside the store... what was i going to do now?! ... i ran outside just to get a final glimpse... she didn't even look back...

at some point in life... i would like to...

2009-03-12T00:00:00.005+05:30

1) ...build an automobile.. right from scratch...
2) ...learn to sail...
3) ...go bungee jumping...
4) ...visit all the continents... and cross the equator...
5) ...go for the oktoberfest in Germany... DONE!
6) ... Las vegas...
7) ...

... will add more when i figure...

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

2009-03-08T14:32:00.002+05:30

A reason why I wanted to write this blog today was that, lately, there has been a sudden dearth of good ones. The kind that you found while you were kids, while growing up, in college etc. Nope! .. they just don't come that easy anymore. Well, even though that's not entirely true, its probably just that everyone's older now, stronger opinions, people basically get weirder as they grow up I guess?

Come to think of it, there's probably just a couple of people that I could name that have grown to become good "friends" in the past 3 years, ever since I left college that is. The whole point here is that probably everyone could, and would claim the exact same thing! But my superiority complex kicks in, and I say that for some reason, I have always had better friends than others. It's all part of the feeling that I perpetually have. This safety net over me feeling, a strange force of some sort that protects me from most fuck-ups in life, or gets me out of them. So, now I can clearly see a degradation in the quality of people. Where were these people all these years? I am not GOD, I don't even try to be, I hate judging even though I do it all the time, all I keep reminding myself is that my judgment is strictly personal, and is not of any consequence really. Anyways.... On introspecting, I realize that ALL my "friends" have been subconsciously chosen to be of a particular class, type, nature etc. They have certain traits common between each other, and I recognize that now since these traits are non-existent in most people.
Trust...Respect...honor.
I guess even though most people "talk" of these "qualities" just like I am mentioning them at this moment, I think one can safely presume that these people do NOT understand what they really are. As one reads this, something very obvious should hit the reader now, that one needn't be a friend to understand these qualities. These qualities are actually part of human nature, they are what a person should strive to uphold, that these should be present even at a human to animal level, and this is where the subconscious choice takes place.
I realized, that "my friends" have understood the true meaning of these words, not necessarily following them at all times. But understanding them is enough, because if you believe in them, you automatically have a conscience that will prick you when you are "wrong". This automatically helps you to improve as a person. No one's perfect, and everyone knows this, but everyone doesn't understand it. "MY friends" do.
I have come to a point where I can be arrogant about them, since they become special. This is automatic again, as they are a rare lot. Clockwork! When the base is set right, everything else follows. Foundation, that's about it. I am sure if anyone does ever read this blog, they could make a million interpretations, but all my friends would make similar interpretations as they understand the meaning of all those words that are repeated and glorified in every other book, movie, newspaper etc. These are the simple things in life that have to be said again and again, its the simplest of things that people have forgotten and will continue to forget... my friends haven't.

taking stock... bye-bye 2008

2009-01-05T17:16:00.003+05:30

marriages! ...civil lines... beef-teriyaki... wimmen...lust... U.S.A... bharatha-natyam... trevor... canon... starent... debaditya... money... photography... basketball... engagements...mama... and arranged-marriages! ... jack daniels & coke... hat-trick... leopolds... terror... home... affairs... pune... love... harvard... new york... fall-colours... chevy malibu... DSLR... anna... nfs... blackberry... friends... east-village... cricket... chandni-chowk... zen... 51-D... maaaf...

part 2 of 2...

2008-11-03T07:29:00.009+05:30

Perspective changes when one witnesses the unexpected. These guys have preserved in all their modernness, an India and Indian-ness that we, living in the country, haven't! Its been taken for granted at times, or just hasn't been thought of as important enough to cherish in our day-to-day lives. The "chalta hai" generation, as Nishant put it quite aptly, is too casual about most issues. Be it something cultural like this which might still be trivial, but even the few blasts a couple of days back in Assam and Guwahati, a few blasts in Mumbai before that, a few in Gujarat, Delhi, Bangalore.. and life goes on as usual!

There are always going to be the ones who actually get things done, and ones who crib about how fucked the system is! But its not going to be easy, it requires sacrifices, one at a time, people have to give up this materialistic maze that they live in and get things done! To clean up the system, to get our roads made, to get into the political veins of the country, to improve social security; India has a GDP of 2 Trillion $$ today, but so does Brazil, S.Korea, Russia, MEXIfuckinCO! with 1/10th or 1/20th the population which relates to 10 or 20 times the amount of money for each person. The U.S has a GDP of 12-13 trillion, with a GDP per head at 45,000$ ... India is at 650$!

I have not included China in my list here, we do NOT compare with them, they are not a couple of years ahead, but many many years ahead in terms of development that has already taken place in their country, we have years before we can catch up.

I realize that if not duty, the capability or opportunity doesn't exist for every Indian to fight the system. The average Indian has too many daily issues to be going out fighting the system, he'll only end up warped into it further. Here's the predicament...

Well, for starters, since I initiated the topic based on the "Indian-ness" of a few ABCDs, there is another point to stress on. It is of my opinion that only the exceptional ABCDs have managed this balancing act. These fortunate ABCDs have parents who have excelled in their professions, most probably they were the older generation who studied either Medicine or Engineering before settling in this country. Not only this, these Indians who settled abroad must have struggled during their initial years, the only difference being, that this struggle did not include bribing the policeman, worrying about whether their children would get infected due to contaminated water or sitting in the dark as the electricity just went out. There probably are just as many ABCDs who dont really give a damn about Bharatanatyam or Kathakali, or even about who wins their next election. Just like the average ABCD doesnt give a damn, the average Indian is too caught up with daily issues to be able to celebrate our "Indian-ness".

My itch is with the those exceptional Indians who are IN India and who should be trying to do something for this country. I hope I do not end up as the one who just cribs about how fucked the system is, but actually do something to make it better.

The only catch here is... who decides whether they are the chosen exceptional ones...?

one night at Harvard university...

2008-11-02T11:20:00.009+05:30

what a night!! .. what a fantastic night man, I just got back from probably one of the most innovative performances ever! ... brilliant would be an understatement in terms of the quality of themes that they used, the choice of music.. the choreography... the everything!!

And what am i talking about? well, I of all people, am talking about a Bharatanatyam performance! My maiden trip to the U.S has been a very satisfying one, in terms of the fact that I've been able to accomplish whatever I had planned, meeting friends, family and also explore the place to an extent. But this, had to be the icing on the cake. I had a glimpse of the life of few students, ABCDs mostly, in one of the most prestigious institutions of the world. It so happens that one of my cousins in NY whose daughter is studying at the university was participating in an ethnic cultural event of sorts in which they were performing BharataNatyam.

Growing up in Vashi, New Bombay, my parents have not inculcated certain values that other tam-bram families do; which includes learning and actively following CARNATIC music and Bharatanatyam. So I have been to very few performances of this sort, frankly, I get BORED since I do not really understand what's being portrayed.

But I went anyway, point was to spend time with my cousins. The auditorium was quite packed by the time we arrived. A mix of a lot of Abcds, few Asians and Amrus. The concert ensued, these 20 odd girls had obviously been trained since thier childhood, and even more obvious was that they were super talented and hard-workers. The manner in which they went about the show was very professional, one of the dancers always made it a point before every piece, to come and explain every move and step that they would use during the piece, and this made the whole show extremely clear to the audience as to what exactly was being conveyed. It wasnt just mythological bullshit, but a mix of modern ideas and scenes from daily life that they portrayed. It wasnt just carnatic music in the background, but from A.R Rahman to Asturias, I heard it all, from the movie Black to the crucification of christ, I saw it all, it really was fantastic to a layman like me. And this was all happening in Cambridge, MA!

I had come to visit the campus, the historical city and capture a few moments through my lens but had been given more than what I had asked for... end of part 1 of 2...

married!!

2008-07-04T00:18:00.005+05:30

shit! game over! ... its begun! ... our first guy's going down... the first guy among our so called group is getting hitched! married! screwed! in whichever sense one takes it... hell that doesn't matter actually; what matters is that the pack's started to fall! .. it'll soon be all over for everyone of us.. many will submit to this insanity called marriage willingly, many will succumb to pressures!

even amma was like "isn't it early for him?!" hell yea it was man! he's just 24! twentyfuckinFOUR! but I defended him very confidently saying that he'd been seeing his woman for 9 years now, and that they were living-in abroad for the past year, it was high time they got married, or else they'd get bored no?! hehe ...

I guess I am paranoid by the very thought of it right now, it seems crazy at this moment to think that within the next few years this disaster was imminent, inevitable even. Now, why this paranoia?! But I am paranoid right now, am probably scared that I might make the wrong choice (be it in finding someone.. in which case it would be totally my fault) ... or if I did opt for the more convenient "arranged marriage" I wouldn't even be able to blame it on anyone!!

Things have changed a lot since our parents got married. I've somehow lost my faith in wimmen! ... the ones u like..wanna fuck around ... the ones u dont ..want something more meanignful :P .. classic irony know?! I don't think I am a chauvinist or anything, I know i am not... but wimmen these days are so fucked in the head... I really think men should have not created the concept of feminism cos its majorly backfiring on us man!

Anyways, coming back to my friend here, I really think that these two are made for each other, they really are! ... 9 years (read: since 10th std) and going strong... classic fairytale man .. god bless! and may they live (happily) ever after... as for the rest of us ... this should sum it all:

"A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries..."

and another saying that'll help us immensely in life is this one i found on the internet...

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying."

...there are few things in this world that come close to true love... at least for now ... i am almost there sippin on my 4th peg of good ol' Tennessee whiskey...

its a sunday mornin, n i'v got nothin to do ...

2008-04-06T11:23:00.000+05:30

its a sunday morning, n i'v got nothin to do...
o really?!
look at everyone, look at everythin,
its all so crazy!
tryin to win the rat race n all that...
not realizing all u'll get to be in the end is a RAT!

we'v been brainwashed, havn't we??...
2 years... u know where u'v gotta be,
3 years?? marriage probably!
control freaks!
its almost as if its just a circus show...
when all u need to do is let go!

when was the last time u watched the sun go down,
try n remember your first kiss, your heart pound!
when dad let go, and u rode the bicycle all around!
think, think and im sure u'll find some more...
there r few things in this world which are as pure,
just think about these things now n then, all cured,
m sure!

its afternoon now, n i'v not done much,
jolted back to reality! i realize the futility..
back to the world of ambitions, of expectations...
of cut throat competition... :)
this is where i live, this is where i thrive...
im in my zone, it makes me feel alive!
but things will be different from now...
its time to stand up ... and meow!

i still love this game...

2007-12-11T01:37:00.000+05:30

This is the first article that I managed to put together to publish in my college mag about a couple of years ago. All I have described is our effort to defeat the home team in a game of basketball that we played at Institute of technology- Benaras Hindu university.
Anyone who has passion for what they do would relate to what I am trying to convey. Anybody with character, if you know what I mean, would understand exactly what I, and my team went through that night at IT-BHU...

It’s been one and a half years since BHU happened. BHU was no doubt one of the most memorable trips RAIT has ever had, PERIOD! And I am pretty sure the remaining 44 guys on that Kamayani Express would vouch for me if I said so. Sitting here in London awaiting my master’s results, I decided to pen down at least a few of the memorable moments we had at Institute of Technology- Benaras Hindu University. All of it seems like a blur at this point, but I am going to try my best to relive those 5 days when we rocked BHU…. Read on…

It all started a few days back, when Nishant Anand (the then GS 2005-06) had passed on a call from one of the organizers at “Spardha 2k5” inviting us to this big national level sports meet of engineering colleges. I clearly remember it was on the Fr. Agnels Football ground, when I received the call. On hearing about the invitation, one of my juniors seemed excited but I personally felt it was a long shot. I never imagined that VP (err…Vijay Patil- our dear College President) was actually going to sanction the kind of resources required for such an extravagant affair, was easily going to cost half a lakh or more for 40 odd guys. Booking tickets, plus Horizons (our College festival) was in a month, a new basketball court was in the offing, there were too many ifs and buts.

But somehow things fell in place, and VP did not seem to mind, within the next few days we were getting student concessions for our train tickets & completing other formalities, we would soon be on our way!

25^th Jan, 2005- Departure : Bandra terminus

The atmosphere, needless to say, was electric. The cricket, basketball, badminton and football teams were on the official list…. Carom, baseball, goti and langdi teams would be made at BHU :P. Then there were those who were coming because we were getting free attendance. Sheshadri Krishnamurthi (the Cult. Sec) and Amalraj (the Treasurer) had deserted Nishant, it was January 25^th…. And HORIZONS 2k5 was Scheduled for the usual first week of March. Obviously, Nishant wasn’t coming, so that was one very important football player lost. Sarnath, the most important basketball player was down with Jaundice and a few others couldn’t make it. So we weren’t exactly taking our strongest sides, but we were going to give our best shot, basically have fun …and so we boarded the train... about 44 guys plus ONE FE… Mr.Amit Dhanavade. Obviously he was going to be our favorite target for the next five days; he was dirt as far as everyone was concerned.

The usual ragging scene ensued, Dhanno bearing the brunt of it. 2nd year guys were not spared either. The bogie was ours, nothing spectacular during the journey. 30 hours seemed to whiz by in the company of friends, playing cards, rolling hash and a few joints later we arrived in the wee hours of Varanasi.

At the station, there was a bus waiting for us, the guys who had come to receive us seemed quite dejected to see us( They supposedly had agreed to pick us up with the promise of some hot chicks from “Mumbai”). Anyways, we arrived at our hostel, BHU has about 17 hostels, on a sprawling 1600 acre campus (RAIT is 40 acres). Limbdi, our hostel, was the biggest since we were the biggest group. We were given the schedule for the next 4 days… it was going to be quite hectic, if we lasted till the finals that is. The drafts were announced, and as luck would have it, we were up against the home team...

The legendary basketball match...

Ours was the last match of the day. I loved playing under lights, that was probably the only bright side I thought. Maybe I was prejudiced, but my players seemed so puny in front of the opposite team. Signaling my players to start their warm-ups, I was trying my best to hide the nervousness and fear of getting completely crushed against this seemingly super hyped up BHU team with national level names in their playing five. To top it, this was UP! a crowd was beginning to gather to watch their beloved players in action. Bhaiya public, national level players to play against on their home turf... wow!...

Team BHU took to the court and started practicing their shots. We huddled together, I remember telling my team that all we had to do was give our best shot, and since they had never seen us before we really had nothing to lose. All we had to do was go up there, give our best and of course, to enjoy the game... yea right!

The playing five... Vijigish, Amalraj, Roshan, John and I. A short prayer followed, all hands in the centre, and a short loud burst....1....2..3... TEAM!

And so, against a MOST offensive and hostile UP crowd that I have ever seen; covering almost 90 % of the court, and our 30 guys in a small corner, the match ensued amidst lewd calls and severe hooting. Game time…Jumpball… our possession… Roshan a.k.a Mone passed the ball to me. BHU players went back to their defensive positions… and we advanced forward… as I approached the 3 pointer line, not able to resist my old habit of trying to take the first shot of the game, hurled the ball towards the basket….KHAACH…the sweet sound of Ball swishing through the net… 3-0 RAIT lead BHU… the CROWD went DEAD. That, was probably the quietest moment of the game…I wont ever forget that silence….and our guys burst out … “atta kasha vaattei.. mala baarra vaattei” :)…

Within the next few minutes, with every basket that we scored, the crowd got increasingly violent, calling the crowd offensive was an understatement now. The referees were no good either; fouls were being whistled by the minute, rarely in our favor. But we defintely had a game on our hands. Luck was on our side, not only were all the easy shots being converted, but even the difficult ones seemed to find the basket. We were putting up a brilliant fight, in-fact we were leading by about 5 points all through the end of the second quarter. I had never seen these guys in such form, we were playing like GODS. 3 pointers were flying both directions, Roshan always seemed to find a way through the BHU defense, and John didn’t even have to bother as his lay-ups start even before the 3-point line, Vijigish was in usual 3-point shooting form, and we were keeping the defense tight as well.

We kept our lead intact until the third quarter, when, thanks to the brilliant calls by the refs, I found myself and soon to follow Vijigish, fouled out. Vinay entered in place of Vijigish and Parag substituted me. It really did not make a difference. The bench was playing equally well and BHU was trying everything possible to cut down the lead. By the end of the 3^rd quarter, the score was 38-33, our lead intact. All we had to was to keep up our defense tight and the game would be OURS! I could swear that I even heard a few shouts in our favor from the crowd. Amalraj had become the crowd’s “Uncle”, Roshan for some reason had switched sports and become Mahanama and John a.k.a Abraham was not complaining about his new found fame either.

Things were falling in place, and we needed to concentrate on the game. Substitutions followed to keep our players from tiring. At this critical juncture, our bright young Mr.Mayank Singh showed the finger to the crowd. I don’t know why he did it, what compelled him to do it, but I am pretty sure he regrets that decision to his life till date. What happened off the court is probably too gory to include at one of the most exciting phases of the game, I'll leave it to the readers imagination...

4^th quarter: both sides were showing signs of fatigue and this was the last 10 minutes of the game. It was our offense and both sides hadn’t scored for sometime now. Our guys were trying out all kinds of moves, Vinay’s under the basket reverse lay-up, Parag’s three pointers, Amals bull-charging runs to the basket, Mone’s jump shots, Johns near-dunks, it was all working out for us today, it was going to be our day!

The problem with most against-home matches is not even the cheating referees, but the time-keepers. Since they keep the time, they own the pace of the game. They were scoring once in a while and after an exhausting 5 minutes or so, the lead was back to a 4 point one; 44-40, hey but wait a minute!!! There were still 9 minutes of play left??!!! WTF…!!

BHU was cheating even with the time-keeping, it was painful! We really couldn’t do much, we had to win this match on their turf by their rules. The fatigue was beginning to show on us, and after a few more “fouls”, and 7 free-throws later the score was 50-49 with BHU in the lead. The time on clock just before the final free-throws was about 2 minutes, but as expected the time remaining on the clock was now changed to about 15 seconds, and not 2 minutes, we went on to lose the game…

I am not going to even begin to describe the look on our faces, or explain why I swore at the captain of the BHU team, or explain why I cried my heart out on the phone to Sarnath explaining what had happened or why the BHU players could not really meet eye-to-eye with any of us, or why everyone from the crowd came and congratulated every one of us, how John became John Abraham and found himself a decent female fan following, how Amalraj became “Uncle” or any of those things. All this did not matter, we had won the match in everyone’s eyes, except on paper of course, everyone knew it, we had given the crowd a match that they would never forget, we had turned into heroes in a matter of 40 minutes, we had created a “reputation” for RAIT, we were no longer some random team from Mumbai, R.A.I.T had arrived at BHU….

-the Sports Secretary 2k5

chaos theory...

2007-11-13T11:17:00.000+05:30

"What goes round comes round" seems to be what everyone wants to tell us. This is coming from watching Johny gaddar and The departed within a span of two days. This phrase is something that I always beleived in, very strongly, but the very fact that it has to be reiterated again and again troubles me.

LIfe is wierd, fucking wierd. Its almost as if, logically speaking, having to tell something repeatedly would mean that its not been hammered into our heads yet. HUman beings are cunts, is my conclusion... even though we know somewhere deep down inside that if we fuck with someone, life will fuck with us... we still continue to test nature.

NOw, nature. What is fuckin nature?! God??! being a non-believer i keep trying to find something that will give me an idea, the faintest hint about who's in charge! but the very fact that theres this strange balancing act that occurs all the time puzzles me. I am in this fucked up mood right now, my minds not letting me write more shit, cos at the end of the day i know what i have to fuckin get back to...

But seriously man... life is so much like one of these movies, unpredictable, erratic, irrational and it scares me to think that it cud all go away. Just like that!

I am getting way too philosophical, which is a bad as well as good thing. Bad, cos I wouldn't achieve too much in life the way i am thinkin, cos its all pointless anyways right? good? well because I'd learn to be content, and content is key... key to not doin much. My point is, i guess somewhere down the line i want it to count, everything. Nothing should go waste, otherwise whats the point of our very existence. Answers!! i need answers!!

lol.. one part of my brain just went off sayin wtfuucckk! have u achieved to be talkin about it not goin waste n all that, but then thats the not being able to be content part talkin now isnt it, cos i have achieved more than quite a few people, and i know i can do a lot more... but wait... i dont compare, i hate it!

comparison! the only best competitor is yourself n all
that jazz!
but i'll leave that for sometime later...

Rebound Guy...

2007-06-03T09:53:00.000+05:30

What were you thinkin, when I first kissed you?
What was runnin on ur mind, everytime I caressed you?
U never seemed even the least bit interested even to try,
Now I know, all I was... was ur rebound guy.

I know its difficult, I realise its harsh
But I cant seem to digest the fact that this was all a farce,
The excuses, the reasons, I seriously dont buy...
I need you to say it, All i was... was ur rebound guy.

Im finally wakin up, I can see that its over...
U have the honour of showin me my best dream ever.
Words are probably too weak, to convey the feelings I had,
Im sure U felt it in every moment that we shared...

So i guess theres no more reason left for me to cry...
The fact remains... all I was... was ur rebound guy!